pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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