I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
