i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
