im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize