Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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