Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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