You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
