DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
