this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize