hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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