Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
MIDGETS
????
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
