I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
