respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
