I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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