just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Im part way to drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
