im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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