You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
