I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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