im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
