party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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