You really coming over, don't trick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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