haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
