Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
