Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
