So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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