ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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