i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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