i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
