I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
