those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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