THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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