Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
