his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think people are normalizing furries
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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