it's not cheating when I paid for it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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