if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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