but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
