My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I need to align my fucking chakras
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
