textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Send help, water and tortillas.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
