I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
