i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
