Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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