hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think my vagina is haunted
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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