Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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