i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
