I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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