remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
