My Higher Power is John Stamos
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
