i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
