Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
