either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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