Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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