We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You smell like stripper and shame
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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