Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
