I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
