I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
