I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
