well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
