I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
