I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
