It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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