I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it was like eating out sand paper
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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